Crucial conversations are the pathway to growth
Edwin Armstrong worked feverishly in the dark light of the basement. His workspace was covered with wires, knobs, and pieces of electrical parts spread across a series of tiered shelves. The year was 1933, and the hidden basement below Columbia University was where Armstrong, a withdrawn and eccentric engineer, made an astonishing discovery. His goal had been to find a solution to the problem of ongoing static in AM frequency radios.
At the time, the radio was on the cutting edge of communication technology, and inventors all over the world raced to improve its ability to transmit sounds across wireless broadcasts. After a series of experiments over the course of several years, Armstrong developed what he called "frequency modulation." In time, this became known simply as FM radio. Much of his experimentation had been paid for out of pocket and it took time for the industry to buy into Armstrong's idea. Finally, in 1940 FM radio was authorized.
By the end of 1941, almost 400,000 FM radio sets had been sold. Armstrong's invention was revolutionary at the time because it transmitted signals at a bandwidth twenty times bigger than the standard AM radio. This led to less static, the potential to transmit more sounds, and allowed for a much higher quality signal.
The radio once defined how people communicated and shared information with each other. Back when radio was king, an invention by a socially awkward engineer in a dark basement below a university campus revolutionized the quantity and quality of sounds that people were able to transmit to each other.
The sad part of the story is that Edwin Armstrong battled with a lifelong neurological disorder that led to a nervous tic produced by excitement or stress.
Though he received several awards for his inventions, the end of his life was marked by litigation over patent rights, and he eventually jumped to his death out of a twelve-story window. A year after Armstrong's death, his wife won a one million dollar settlement with RCA that solidified his role as the inventor of the FM radio.
The lesson for us in this story is seen in the worldwide impact of Armstrong's invention. FM radio serves as an example of how the world changes when people find the ability to communicate better with each other. It shows us what is possible when people learn how to transmit and receive a greater depth of information from each other.
Everything changes when we learn how to sit down and communicate on a deeper level.
As men, we must accept the truth that we will never receive what we need to grow in the absence of life-giving conversations. Our ability to lead ourselves can be limited by an inability to express ourselves.
What is repressed and not expressed will never heal or grow.
When a man learns how to effectively communicate his deepest desires and learns how to hear the deepest desires of others, everything about his life changes.
Proverbs 18:21 tells us that life and death are in the power of the tongue. When King Solomon wrote this verse, I wonder if he was thinking of a series of hard conversations and their impact on his life and leadership. Through conversations, we express our differences, admit our faults, and come to an agreement. Through conversations, we have the potential to edify or frustrate the people around us.
Words are powerful because they are the primary conduit of truth in our relationships. Without them, truth is not given or received. In this sense, "truth" refers to what really is at stake in a given situation. Throughout life, some of the most frustrating moments occur when someone at the table has failed to communicate effectively. If a man desires to thrive in his personal leadership, he must learn to effectively talk to those above, alongside, and below him in authority.
Positional authority is a very different thing from relational influence.
Even if a man has a role of authority above others, it does not necessarily mean that he has influence. To build influence, he must build relationships based on trust, active listening, and mutual respect. That means he must learn the art and practice of critical, thoughtful, and authentic conversations.
If something on your mind or in your heart is bothering you, it is probably because you are avoiding a much-needed conversation.
Pause and Consider
As you consider the content of this article, take a moment to pause and consider the following statement. Is this statement true for you? If so, to what extent?
When emotions run high in my relationships, I find myself taking defensive or offensive measures, and it can be difficult staying focused on what is most important.
As you honestly reflect on recent life and leadership experience, does this statement reveal an area of personal strength or deficit? How can you improve in this area?
In the years following World War II, the United States and the Soviet Union entered a period of geopolitical tension known as "the Cold War." Though it did not result in mass casualties like in previous wars, it created the potential for worldwide nuclear destruction. Throughout the Cold War, the United States and the Soviet Union progressively strengthened their military powers to prepare for a large-scale attack.
Then, in 1962, the Soviets began secretly installing ballistic missile silos in Cuba, giving them the ability to strike American cities. When the missile silos were discovered, the two nations entered a tense thirteen-day diplomatic standoff. This two-week period became known as "the Cuban Missile Crisis," and it pushed the two nations to the brink of war.
In only a few days, American and Soviet battleships were dispatched and sat facing each other in the Caribbean Sea.
Then, an American reconnaissance plane was shot down over Cuba. This was considered a direct attack, and the American government responded by preparing an invasion force in Florida. Leaders on both sides began to feel a sense of impending doom. Despite the enormous tension, American and Soviet leaders found a way to end the stalemate.
During the crisis, the Americans and Soviets exchanged letters and other communications, and on October 26, President Khrushchev sent a message to President Kennedy in which he offered to remove the Cuban missiles in exchange for a promise by U.S. leaders not to invade Cuba.
The following day, the Soviet leader sent a letter proposing that the USSR would dismantle its missiles in Cuba if the Americans removed their missile installations in Turkey.*
In hindsight, we discover that, though the relationship between the Americans and the Soviets was strained, neither superpower desired to initiate a worldwide nuclear war. Though their differences were immense, the desire to avoid absolute destruction and to preserve a future for their children brought them to the table to negotiate. The Cuban Missile Crisis teaches us what we must do in emotionally charged conversations. It also shows us why we must focus on what is most important in our relationships.
In the year following the Cuban Missile Crisis, a direct “hot line” communication link was installed between Washington and Moscow to help defuse similar situations. Though many differences had yet to be resolved, they decided to keep a line of communication open and agreed that it was better to resolve conflict through diplomacy rather than war.
When we reach a place of tension in a conversation, we often resort to one of two responses:
#1 / We get defensive and do/say things to protect, justify, or vindicate ourselves.
#2 / We take offensive measures and do/say things that criticize, blame, or vilify the other person.
In this way, we view our only options as "defend or attack." One option builds walls, and the other shoots missiles. Neither option, however, leads to ideal or positive outcomes. Both options undermine diplomatic relations and create results defined by emotional destruction.
Both options prevent open and effective communication.
When we maintain a "defend or attack" mindset in emotionally charged conversations, we often lost sight of the heart of the matter. Despite what we think or feel, there is a third option. We discover this third option when we remain focused on what is most important.
Rather than taking defensive or offensive measures, we must ask ourselves:
What is most important to me? What do I desire the most in this situation? How can I best communicate my deepest desires?
What is most important to the other person? What do they desire the most in this situation? What can I do to better understand their deepest desires?
In the case of the Cuban Missile Crisis, an international conflict was averted when both sides admitted that avoiding nuclear war was most important. When each side understood that the other shared this desire, they worked to negotiate to achieve this outcome.
Though we don't often make decisions that affect the state of the world, we do have the power to preserve the peace of those in our circles of influence. And when we build walls and shoot missiles with our actions and words, we undermine any hope for open and effective communication. When emotions run high and a lot is at stake in a conversation, the goal for us is to remain focused on what we want the most.
When we do this, we find ways to build and clarify the relationship rather than destroy it. With this mindset, we are more invested in negotiating than we are in "winning the war." This is an interpersonal skill we must develop in order to lead ourselves and our relationships well. As we look to the needs of the future, we can never forget that the art of having crucial conversations is the pathway to growth. When the stakes are high, keep working to “tune the knob” of emotion until you attune to the heart and desired meaning of the surface issue.
For Further Study
Footnotes
*"Cuban Missile Crisis," The History Channel, October 20, 2021, https://www.history.com/topics/cold-war/cuban-missile-crisis.
