Helping Men Address Their Deficits Through Mentoring & Coaching
At the Strategic Mentoring Group, there are eight values that guide and govern our efforts to lead men to strategic infleunce. The fifth of these values is:
We believe that the health of a man's heart is more important than the work of his hands.
We have written this whitepaper to explain why we have this value and how it guides our mentoring efforts. To begin, let's analyze a lethal force among men. This secret killer is the leading cause of death among men in the U.S. of all races and origins. As we pull back the curtain, we discover that this secret killer is heart disease.
Because heart disease is so prevalent among men, medical researchers at the University of Wisconsin recommend five ways to lower your risk and ensure a high quality of life.
#5 - Break bad habits and toxic lifestyle patterns (smoking, alcoholism, etc).
#4 - Stay active and exercise.
#3 - Eat healthy.
#2 - Reduce your weight.
#1 - Complete an in-depth assessment and check-up of your heart regularly.
Most men are dangerously unaware of how much their age, genetics, and lifestyle choices affect the health of their heart. Health experts agree that assessing your risk of a heart attack or death is the single most important thing you can do to maintain health and physical vitality. Your doctor can help you identify and interpret important data points (such as your blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, and waist size) and recommend specific ways to reduce your risk.
At the Strategic Mentoring Group, we talk a lot about the health of our internal lives. And we use the word "heart" to refer to our emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being.
When we talk about “cultivating healthy hearts,” we refer to the process by which we assess, strengthen, and revitalize our internal well-being.
In Proverbs 4:23, King Solomon wrote, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life." Some translations of the Bible use the phrase "guard your heart." In this context, the words keep and guard do not suggest standing guard like a stoic or stalwart soldier. Rather, they convey the image of a humble gardener kneeling in the dirt and digging up the soil.
In this way, King Solomon challenges us to keep our hearts much like a gardener pulls weeds, removes stones, or waters the soil of his garden.
In the process of keeping a garden, there is an element of preventive maintenance and proactive cultivation. In a similar manner, we must consistently work to remove what is unhealthy from our hearts and cultivate what is healthy in our hearts. This requires that we address our deficits and fully maximize our strengths. This takes regular effort, reflection, and hard work. It also necessitates that we engage in vital relationships to receive the nutrients we need to grow.
ADDRESSING OUR DEFICITS
In addiction recovery, four common behavioral patterns keep people stuck. These are tactics addicts may use to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or admitting their need for help. These tactics keep people in a downward spiral, inhibit lasting change, and prevent total surrender to God.
Reliance on self (thinking we can successfully manage our problems)
Blaming others (calling someone or something else the cause of our problems).
Denial (denying that we have any problems).
Isolation (avoiding healthy community).
Recovery literature explains that addicts use these tactics to keep themselves (or to protect themselves) from facing the truth. But sadly, the more they use these tactics, the more everything stays the same.
These tactics also reveal what may prevent a man from visiting the doctor's office to get his heart checked. On a deeper level, they are tactics men use to avoid facing their internal deficits.
Rather than facing and fixing what may be wrong, they push their needs into the dark. As the old adage says, "out of sight, out of mind." Thus, they stay stuck and never break out of repeating patterns. They may experience progress, but it's short-lived, and soon, the problem resurfaces. To experience lasting change, men must be willing to perform a deeper level of heart work.
Practically, they must look within themselves, beneath the surface of their habits and patterns, and analyze root causes. They must look within with the eyes of truth.
In this process, recovery begins.
In many cases, if a man's heart is unhealthy, surgery is not required. In many cases, a man can address and fix the condition of his heart through lifestyle changes such as dieting, exercising, and quitting smoking. In some cases, however, a man may need surgery and not even know it. This is why it is so important to complete in-depth heart check-ups regularly.
If you need cardiac surgery, it can be a major event that improves heart function and circulation and gives you a whole new lease on life. It can correct issues you were born with (congenital heart disease). It can also repair issues that develop later in life. The type of heart surgery a man has depends on the underlying problem or combination of problems.
At the Strategic Mentoring Group, we believe that showing up to mentoring sessions or being present for calls can feel like going to the doctor's office. This takes courage.
At times, it feels invasive and may produce a level of discomfort.
We understand this. As men, we identify with the tactics of self-reliance, blame, denial, and isolation. All of us are drawn into these tendencies at one time or another.
At the same time, however, we know that lasting change and transformation are impossible without addressing our internal needs.
This is why in our mentoring process before we lead men to maximize their strengths fully, we help them to address their deficits. In this way, we work to improve the health of their hearts before we work to improve the work of their hands (career, leadership, skill development, etc.).
At the beginning of the mentoring process, we emphasize what we refer to as the three core components: personal leadership, character formation, and faith integration.
Before discussing building resilience, making decisions, navigating change, or leading others, we help men look within these three critical areas.
BENEATH THE SURFACE
In leadership development contexts, much of the focus is placed on external components such as:
Intelligence/education/training.
Communication skills.
Vision casting.
Decision making.
Strategic planning.
Management.
For the sake of simplicity, we label these components as LQ (leadership quotient). As a whole, they represent the strength of a person's ability to lead others or organizations. While we agree that each of these external components deserves focus, we suggest that an equal focus should be placed on the underlying force that either supports or inhibits their development. This underlying force is often referred to as EQ (emotional quotient; also known as EI) and illustrates the depth of a person's emotional intelligence. Daniel Goleman, author of the seminal book Emotional Intelligence, defines EQ as:
The capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.
A person with a high EQ can love and be loved. They are also more self-aware, which leads to a deeper understanding of others. When describing the significance of EQ, executive coach Daniel Harkavy asks,
How good are you at responding to the unmet expectations of life (the letdowns, the injustices, and the mediocrity of others) in ways that create solutions? Someone with discernment, a high EQ person, will meet these challenges by bringing salve or ointment to the wound and helping to heal it, thus improving the situation. A low EQ person will simply add fuel to the fire, increasing the damage.
One of the key indicators of EQ is empathy, which indicates the ability to understand and share (or feel) the feelings of another. A man or leader with low emotional intelligence will lack empathy. Furthermore, if a man or leader has lost his ability to be empathetic, it is a sign that he may be in a season of prolonged stress or burnout. Amidst the pressures of his career or work, a man can lose his ability to dial in to his emotions and the emotions of others. If this happens, no amount of LQ will make up the difference. If this happens, a man must pause long enough to assess and replenish who he is beneath the surface. To start the process, a man should:
Practice observing how he feels.
Recognize his emotions and name them.
Acknowledge areas of internal deficit.
In Romans 12:15, the Apostle Paul admonished believers to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep." This suggests the need to maintain an empathetic presence with others. This requires that we first attune to the emotional experiences of those we love or lead. In Job 2:13, after a series of difficult experiences, Job's friends came and sat down with him in silence for seven days. For seven days, they did not rush into advice-giving or tell Job what to do. They sat with Job and gave him the gift of containment. In this way, they allowed Job to feel the full weight of his grief and maintain a warm presence without making judgments. Before a word was spoken, they gave Job space and permission to process his emotions.
To increase empathy in leadership, a man should practice active listening, strive to be attuned to the feelings/emotions of others, and seek outside feedback. As he learns to regularly delve beneath the surface of his own life, he will be equipped to better discern the underlying forces in those he loves or leads. As he gives himself space to process his emotions and permission to rejoice or weep, he, in turn, becomes a leader who more aptly discerns the full range of emotions in others.
GETTING PRACTICAL
To facilitate the self-discovery process, our mentors utilize a series of assessments designed to produce a clear, honest, and objective understanding of a man’s deficits and strengths. Upon completing a SMG assessment, our mentors help men identify and interpret key themes and patterns in the data. Then, they may suggest practical ways to grow in specific areas or make recommendations concerning how a man can maintain a high capacity for strategic influence over the long haul.
Throughout this process, our mentors work hard to create a safe, positive, and caring atmosphere in each mentoring conversation. They practice relational skills such as empathy, emotional attunement, containment, and active listening. They also know that personal growth is not an overnight job. It takes time. Therefore, they are willing to walk and work with you through the highs and lows of the growth process.
After a man gains an understanding of his deficits, the next critical step is to invite the right people into those deficits. As men are encouraged to develop personal growth plans, they are also encouraged to get tactical about cultivating the "relational nutrients" needed to grow.
CONCLUDING POINTS
As men, one way we honor our internal needs is by giving them a voice and communicating them to ourselves and others. This forces us to a place of internal clarity and self-awareness. It also produces a greater growth potential.
Without recognizing or admitting our needs, there is little potential for growth or lasting change.
As many twelve-step programs advocate, the first step is admitting that we are powerless to change by our willpower. We have to admit our deficits (what we lack) to heal or recover what may have been lost.
This process of looking within represents the kind of heart work that is difficult to do on our own. This is why we need mentors.
It's highly improbable that a man will be able to properly diagnose the health of his heart without outside help or feedback. This is because he lacks objectivity.
When a man travels on his inward journey, he often stops at points of past pain and only goes so deep.
Ultimately, he needs the guiding presence and revealing nature of the Holy Spirit to identify the critical areas of his internal life. Jesus revealed in John 16:13 that the Spirit "guides us into all truth." Sometimes, that truth leads us to a deeper relationship with God or His Word. Other times, it reveals the internal condition of our hearts and shows us what is beneath the surface of our pain.
Like a doctor placing electrodes on our chests and scanning the electrical activity of our hearts, the Spirit helps us to see the internal patterns and themes that we may have ignored or neglected to address.
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If this article has resonated with you, we challenge you to continue your growth journey and CLICK HERE to talk to a Strategic Mentor!
